Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Perfect Moment Monday: Communication
Lori at Lavender
Luz encourages us to find the
perfect moments in our day-to-day life; moments that just happen, rather than
moments that are prefabricated. It’s an exercise in mindset, choosing to
acknowledge the small, easily unnoticed blessings in our day.
I guess it was bound to happen. Most feedback I get while giving
trainings is positive. I usually feel validated by that feedback. Some is
negative but constructive, which – although not always pleasant to receive, is
probably the most helpful kind. I’d been fortunate enough to avoid mean-spirited
feedback – and that suits me fine, because my preference is for people to like
me! But it came, finally. The mean-spirited feedback which is so easy to take
personally. “A waste of an hour of my life. I won’t ever get that hour back.
Complete BS.” It kind of took me by surprise.
It also wasn’t anonymous.
I’m not really sure why I did what I did next. Part of St. Francis’
prayer has been replaying in my head for months, “May I seek not so much to be
understood, but to understand.” Maybe that was it. Or it could have been Jesus’
teaching – “If you remember that your brother has something against you, go and
be reconciled to him before offering your gift on the altar,” which I’ve
exegeted to mean, “If someone’s mad at you, try to fix it.” Or maybe it was the
story of a journalist who connected with people who’d left insulting comments
on his articles and found that, when spoken to kindly, they weren’t really as
mad as they sounded in writing.
Whatever reason, I jotted a note to the person. “I’m sorry that this
was such a negative experience for you, and that my points didn’t seem valid. If
you’re willing to share, I’m willing to listen and learn from you, and I’d like
to know your point of view.”
And then, a perfect moment happened. My critic wrote back, and
respectfully explained how the training had touched on some of his personal triggers.
He thanked me for the work I’m doing. And while that felt good, the part that
felt the best was that interpersonal damage was overcome, and through listening
and conversation, became productive. And that felt really good. I’ve gotten
more negative feedback since then, and my goal is to always respond in a
similar way. Sometimes, folks aren’t interested in talking, and they just
wanted to vent. Sometimes, folks are interested in talking, but not interested
in conversing. But most of the time, people are open to conversation.
And as I type this, I realize how much I believe the underlying theme
in this story: Communication, without defensiveness and fueled by a desire to
simply understand the other person’s point of view, can restore relationships
that have been hurt by misunderstandings.
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| flickr.com / buddawiggi |
For more (and longer!) feel-good reading, you might like to
revisit my other Perfect Moment Monday posts:
Or visit Lori’s page and explore the other Perfect Moments
submitted this month. And maybe even add your own. Check it out at Lavender Luz .
· All case stories are fictionalized combinations of several
histories, altered for confidentiality.
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Addison, what a powerful story! I've read about people approaching criticism similarly, and while it may not always be met with civility, it's worth trying ... at the very least, it's better than the alternative, which never solves problems or makes anyone feel better! Good for you for reaching out in such a productive, generous way!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Justine. What really sticks with me is how good I felt when someone's anger was quelled!
DeleteI love the "Seed first to understand" philosophy and have found it to be so very powerful -- when I can remember to resort to it and not my initial hurt.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder.
I think a big part of being able to do that is trying to remember that the person's probably responding not to you out of a vacuum, but out of their own experience. It's not 100% about you; so don't take it personally? Maybe it's transference :)
DeleteThis is awesome Addison! I love that Prayer of St. Francis and with the recent election of Pope Francis, it has also been on my mind lately. I appreciate how you choose to live that line of seeking first to understand. I know that is sometimes easier said than done, but admire your effort and am glad doing so led to such a perfect moment for you. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThanks Kathy. My first real experience with this didn't really work as quickly. Someone was mad at me for probably more than a year, and it took me a really long time to realize, even if I don't see myself as being in the wrong, they do - so I should try to fix it. It worked out, and so I'm trying to be quicker to do it, now :)
DeleteIn adoption especially, tempers can flare. It's a passionate issue, and biological parents don't have to take any classroom training. Not that it's a BAD idea at all. I'm actually looking forward to our training classes (if they ever happen... if I had a nickel for every time I had to cancel because of my husband's Navy schedule, well... our adoption would already be paid for). Often times, the people complaining just want to feel heard. Or, as Randy Pausch said in The Last Lecture - "When you're doing something wrong, and people stop telling you, it means they've given up on you." All complaints are a learning experience! :) Sometimes just an experience in listening. I know I often feel that our agency doesn't really hear or understand the Navy lifestyle when I cancel yet another training because my husband can't make it (and it makes no sense for me to do the 4 hr round trip commute plus class time w/o him, only to have to do it again when he's available). But the right listening ear can change my entire interaction.
ReplyDeleteHi J. Thanks for your comment! For what it's worth, it makes sense to me that you wait until your husband is able to go with you to the training classes.
DeleteYou're right, too, about all complaints being a learning experience. I think what caught me by surprise was the "wrapping" of the complaint. It wasn't feedback like, "This part was wrong," it was really more just like "you suck." But - when I talked to the person, there was real feedback to get; the abrasive "wrapping" was probably because the whole topic of the training touched a raw nerve from their own life experience.
I hope your adoption journey keeps going well! And I am going to remember that quote, because I do love it - "When you're doing something wrong and people stop telling you, it means they've given up on you." Someone else (and I don't remember who) wrote that there are wise and foolish ways to respond to constructive feedback. One way is to be defensive and justify why you did what you did. The other way is to listen, and try to understand. The first one comes more easily, but the second produces better results!